Wednesday, May 4, 2011

life and bull crap.. blah blah

Once a short time ago, I had a dream. A dream of arting, designing, and whatnot. Think tanking.. Ahh.. school. My first attempt at art school was a horrible experience (what's up with that?), but I took this Intro to Industrial Design class there, and fell in love. So I focused on that positive aspect of finding out what I wanted to do with my life, then decided to go to school for that. Moving around to various states and different schools, taking community class, finally, 6 years later I was accepted and had the financial means to go somewhere with an ID program . Two semesters later? Complete fucking meltdown. Just like the first year at UArts.
It's disheartening. At this point I feel that I have discovered my limitations. Although, how I could define them is still unclear. Is it that I can not handle the pressure? Is it that I am not driven enough? Is it that I am just not a good artist/designer?? I feel like I have to come to terms with the fact that I am quite simply, not strong enough.
I've been giving it quite a bit of thought lately as to what I will do. I handle all my academic classes well. So, I guess I should probably pick something that does not demand my artistic/creative capacities. Although I have a general passion for learning, I don't know if I really have a focus. However, I think there is a common thread in all the subjects I am interested in.. Critically thinking and problem solving. This leads me to Physics.
Physics major? Perhaps.
Mental health affecting what you thought was your life plan? Stupid.


Sean McGovern said...

But it won't leave you. Art, I mean (I know - it's a "duh" statement). Some people find freedom in the regularity of school - praise or constructive crit. (if you have wise teachers/shame (if you don't) works for them. Others find freedom in just doing it because it pleases them. And (here comes another "duh" statement) art is just a different part of the machine. Science is the other part - the how/why. Art is the why it matters - it can express the beauty in the arc of descent, conservation of momentum, and kinetic potential. It's amazing because of mathematical precision, and recreation of that precision and amazement is art.

All of which is a long and pretentious way of saying I think you as a physics major works, and I wish you the best.
...I'm gonna shut up now.

Kate said...

haha, well thanks Sean. I hope Physics works for me too. The only part is catching up on all the math courses I never had to take with planning on an art major.. Not that it's a huge deal. The crits and stuff in studio classes are probably my favorite part, I think it's mostly the forced creative production all the time.. and I do mean, ALL the time. It's just.. ah, too much for me. Burns me out, or.. something. Mostly, I am frustrated with being 26 and still so far away from having a job/career that I can be happy with.

Sean McGovern said...

Ah forced creative production...why do they think that will work? I guess given a long enough time line it would work - monkeys and typewriters and such - but still...gah. I think I lucked out going in as a theater major: "Here, read this, remember a time you were like that, and then live it again while reading it. Ok, now do that as someone else." Yeah, I can see the eternal on thing burning anyone out.

That last point...I completely understand. I have the billing thing which's not me. So I keep looking for the way out. I don't want to be doing it at thirty (frankly, I don't want to be doing it tomorrow) so all I can do is keep looking for an exit. But I've read that meaningful work is better for mental health than happiness...heh...which means I'm looking for the exit with more fear.

But I mean, the wheel's still in spin, right? 26 now isn't 26 twenty years ago. I mean, it's still scary, and the cards are stacked against you/us/anyone else in the situation - but I'm one of those annoying "everything happens for a reason" types. Even the stuff that sucks and leaves you broken on the side of the road. You know you can get through it because it happened to you already. You got hit by reality in college, and you came through the other side. How could a career you dislike/loathe break you? If it happens, you can keep trying to find the right one for you. I mean you do have time. It just doesn't seem that way because...I dunno. It always seems that way, I guess.

...ok, that got weirdly self-referential. Sorry. Uh...but I DO think you'll find it. I mean, if art make you happy, your damn talented enough to make it in the field from what little I've seen. You'll make it.